Slime and Fear

Today I had a day off work and the sun came out in the afternoon, so I joined friends Di and Al for some bolt clipping at Benllech.  After a lovely coastal walk in, taking in some magnificent green slime (!see pic!), I buckled up for what would be my first climb after the accident.

I knew I would find this a bit unnerving, and was cross that I hadn't got out sooner.  I really struggled with intrusive imagery of the accident all the way up, and it was hard not to panic, feel embarrassed about what was happening, back off, or try to butch it out.  Hard in that moment to remember to accept what I was feeling, it was normal, and to be kind to myself (not telling myself to get on with it).  I had to work hard to keep my mind in my body, to acknowledge the fear (its fear, thats ok) and work with what was going on.  I rested on a couple of the bolts (my mind telling me, why? its an easy climb, well within your ability - telling myself thats just what minds do, they chatter on to themselves), belly breathed and tried not to dispel or avoid the images going through my mind of the accident and the aftermath.  I tried to allow those images to pass as leaves on a stream.

Not my best route ever.  I found myself distrusting the whole system, feeling very shaky and so on, and it was important not to rush the climb to get it over with, but to stay in the situation as long as was possible.  Al was my patient belayer, ever attentive despite the cold wind.  

Its going to take a few more days out to become accustomed to climbing again after the accident.  But thats ok.  Its not pleasant, but its ok:)